Going for my first ever martial arts grading and getting my yellow belt definitely makes it to my list of "2013 Highlights".

When I started last July, it was to discover if martial arts was my cup of tea. I was a PE failure at school and a gym dropout. Loved aerobics when I was with Amore in Sg but didn't quite enjoy the routines or ambience of the gyms here. (Excuses excuses.) I even took up a term of dancing two years ago. Then the school closed because my instructor received a promotion in her day job.

Martial arts is the most challenging sport I've tried in my spotty fitness history.

I came up against all kinds of boundary conditions.

Fear of ridicule. I have managed to be the slowest in my class for commando crawl, bear crawl, burpees, push ups...anything that requires speed/core strength. On grading day, I graded alongside a group of very energetic kids, the youngest of whom looked about 5. Guess who was hyperventilating and almost sick at the end of one hour plus?

Fear of falling. This one held me back for the longest time when I was learning forward rolls. I couldn't trust myself to let go and let my body do its natural thing.

Fear of injury and being incapacitated. One of my buddies, a green belt no less, fell awkwardly on his shoulder when thrown, and dislocated it - he was out of action for 3 months. Not helpful.

I can't do this. Why am I here? This one popped up every time I was asked to do something unfamiliar and challenging. One time, I started welling up during a demo of choke holds. For some inexplicable reason, the tears just came and I couldn't stop them. I was so embarrassed. My instructor was very understanding and encouraged me to leave the mat and take my time coming back on. Afterwards he asked if I'd ever been in a situation where I might have been a victim and I said no. I didn't understand why my body was reacting the way it did. He said it was okay and that different people have different no-go zones.

Looking back, the past 7 months have been an incredible journey of personal growth. What began as an experiment has grown into something much larger that contributes positively to my self-identity. I am so grateful for how my new skills are spilling over into my worldview and transforming me.

I am learning to activate the warrior within.

To persevere. Interestingly, the message I keep getting from my instructor is how impressed he is by my perseverance, a trait I would never have been associated with before I started my martial arts training. I am good at starting things but not finishing them, because I lacked perseverance and determination and gave up when the going got rough. (I have deliberately used the past tense because I choose to focus on how persistent and determined I am capable of being.)

To do whatever it takes to master a technique. In wrestling to 'get' the forward roll, I practised on the lounge carpet at home, in the dojo, watched YouTube videos, videoed my instructor and deconstructed his movements, and observed how the more outstanding kids did it. I finally had a breakthrough of sorts about two weeks ago, and earned my fourth stripe - a prerequisite for grading - two days before grading! Talk about pushing it...

To respect and trust myself. My instructor commented that I tend to over-think, which is spot-on as I can be perfectionistic, cautious and risk-averse. For many months, I spent more time thinking about rolling than doing the actual roll. Imagine that.

To feel the fear and do it anyway.

To keep showing up and doing the do. 

To let the best in me come out when under pressure. I don't always do pressure well when I'm under scrutiny. I actually lost the plot a couple of times during grading as I was focussing more on how exhausted I felt. I love being comfortable. Being sweaty, dizzy from non-stop rolls and at risk of being laughed at for my underwhelming level of fitness just made me want to shrink and become invisible.

That aside, for an ex-PE failure and gym dropout, I'm pretty proud of how far I've come.